When I wanted to do something there was always another something holding me back; a fear. All I wanted to do was to create something; show something to a world which no one else had seen; tell them a secret which no one else had heard whispered; to force their face, creasing to a smile round and whole.

I can’t do this any more; I can but I don’t want to; to wake up every day knowing that all we ever knew was wrong and lost; that every moment of life was a stolen gift, unwrapped and burnt until what was once a solid object eventually became nothing; as it evaporated, as does a dream or a childhood memory. Yet sometimes, these dreams, these memories, they are not lost for we may recall upon them randomly, or perhaps not so when the time of need strikes our heart.

I was lying to myself and in the process I was lying to everything around me. All I wanted to do was to talk to her, ask her all these questions; so many questions but all so pointless. But then why not? If it was all pointless then nothing ever had any reason or significance. She had done this to me, I thought, this is all I thought, but I knew deep, deep down inside me, within the bottomless ocean that was my soul, that I had done this to myself. Everything I had ever done, ever thought, ever felt was all confined within the responsibilities which I had control over, and only me. From before I had even decided the decision was made; that I would live this life, now and only.

I don’t know what to say yet at the same time I have everything to say; everything to give to a world that has given me so much; so much so that I have not asked for and the question which keeps repeatedly knocking on my door, crying, begging to let me in from the cold wind and rain which echoes throughout the night, is why? But I know not why! Ha! This really IS the funny thing about life; we humans can never really know the why, at least while we’re alive, perhaps… It is an excuse of the mind to ponder and wonder through a lake of the unknown; a murky sludge of dread which sharpens the forest of trees that impales our skin. Oh this wretched language! How man can possibly think of ways to translate my feelings into symbols on a screen.

And so this is where I began my epic journey; right here, right now. Not at any other moment in time; only this moment, and this moment only.

I see her lying next to me,
her eyes burnt cold wood,
our faces so close, nearly touching but not quite,
I’m waiting, waiting for so long for something to happen,
but our locked eyes stay frozen
and we stare for eternity past the realms of glory.
The time is upon me, my heart is calling me,
thump thump,
so true, so real this moment my breath unsteady,
now, I am ready, this is it,
my smile beams inside me,
the same smile when I once was a child.
I hope; I knew she was smiling too,
closer we move our heads
as a magnet does; with attraction,
her wholeness before me overwhelming,
I shall die soon I know
but all is over for she sways my way,
towards my parted lips on edge shaking,
dark outside but the birds still singing,
nothing else just this and now,
all and all my energy complete,
the limit full and charged,
stroking her hip; left, up and down,
so soft and delicate her thick lip,
bottom and top, top and bottom
her lip, her bottom lip,
our muscles tense in unison.
My dream; my whole life
feeling the smooth touch touch me
and comfort me so gently,
wrapping all suction within a tight embrace,
time has no life, dead and buried for certain.
We waited, we kept waiting,
teasing, we kept on teasing one another
before we could not take another movement,
our patience and a paradox of it;
wanting both at once but only to choose
one at a time
each memory rooted strong,
clear and vivid; all detail stored,
safe and sound,
she is now.